I think one of the hardest things in foster care, is not being their Momma. (Yes, I spelled it Momma, and not Mama because, frankly, that makes me so mad when people spell it that way). Anyway…recently, we had a little boy come live with us. When he came to us, they said he was still in diapers, but the mom said he was almost potty trained. Famous last words when you’re dealing with trauma. Little man would poop bigger than Dallas, and come in and tell us “I Pooped” and lay down in the floor. Now, you have to remember, these aren’t your children. You can’t make them feel bad for pooping their pants. And don’t judge me…you know you have told a kid “I thought you were a big boy/girl?” We told him that he was big enough to know he pooped, he was big enough to let us know when he needed to go! We have seriously fought this for a few months, and he just didn’t care that he was stinking up the entire house with his man-sized poop! One week it hit me! I’m not his Momma! He could care less at this point if he makes me happy.
If you have lived in the foster care world at all, you know that sometimes things don’t work smoothly between the Bio-Parents and the Resource Family. Even though it isn’t out fault, the parents need someone to blame, and we are the easiest target. Trust me. We have had little ones come back from visits and hug us and tell us they missed us, and in the same breath tell us that “Momma said not to like you”. I get it! I wouldn’t want my kids to like anyone else either. Even though we know why these children were taken away from their families, and we might think terribly of the parents, those babies still love them. They don’t care what happened, and in most cases, they don’t even know why they aren’t with Momma anymore, they just know they love her.
After stressing smooth out for months, I asked his older brother to please ask his Mom if she would let Little Man know it was okay to use the potty at our house, and that she would be so proud of him if he did that. It worked!!! He is wearing big boy undies! We still have our accidents, but his Momma knew best! I’ve had the chance to meet her. I haven’t ever wanted to meet Bio-parents before. But I feel a need to encourage this Momma. Her babies need her, and she wants them back, I think she just needs someone on her team. I can’t imagine having everyone against me, pretty much hoping I fail so they can say, “I told you so.” We need to take time to think of how our actions affect the little ones. Did you know they have ears? Did you know they hear when we talk about their parents in both positive and negative ways? I’ve had to make a real effort to keep my words pure, and always tell them how proud their Momma is of them.
Yes, I am their Momma for a short period of time, and Yes I treat them like they are my own, but sometimes their Momma knows best. It has been a tough lesson, but a lesson that we need to learn.
-Just a stressed out Mom, trying to make it!